Episode 79
Have you ever had one of those moments where someone does something that completely gets under your skin… and you know they're the one who did it?
Maybe they were insensitive.
Maybe they were dismissive.
Maybe they just completely didn't see what you could see.
And you're thinking:
“How can they not understand this?”
But what if there's something else happening in that moment?
What if the very thing that has you so certain they are the problem is actually showing you something about where your own power is still being given away?
Because there’s a very subtle trap that can happen on the spiritual path...
And sometimes, the more we've learned, the easier it can be to fall into it.
In this episode of Embodied Soul, we're going to explore what happens when spiritual awareness quietly turns into spiritual hierarchy... how other people's behavior can become a place where we outsource our power... and how to recognize what belongs to them, while fully reclaiming what belongs to us.
Because...
“It's not all about me.
But my part is always mine.”
If you're ready to join me, pull up a comfy chair, invite in your soul and be open to receive exactly what you need to live, be and thrive as the embodied soul you are.
There’s a hidden trap that I think is very easy to fall into if we're not conscious of it.
And it's a really interesting one, because it can actually look like spiritual growth.
It can look like awareness.
It can look like discernment.
It can even look like knowing.
And that’s the place where we begin to say:
I’m spiritual.
I have awakened.
I understand how reality works.
And they don’t.
They're not there yet.
They don’t understand what I understand.
They’re doing this wrong.
And if they would just see what I see...
If they would just change...
If they would just become more conscious...
Then everything would be better.
And you can see how easily this can happen when we come into interaction with other people.
It might be your family.
It might be your partner.
It might be a friend.
It might be somebody that you work with.
And something happens.
Maybe they say something that catches you completely off guard.
Maybe they behave in a way that feels dismissive.
Maybe they make a decision that affects you without considering you.
Maybe they say something that feels insensitive, or oblivious, or judgmental.
Maybe they don't respond in the way you expected them to.
And suddenly…
Something happens inside of you
Maybe you’re taken aback.
Maybe you feel hurt.
Maybe you contract.
You get angry.
You feel rejected.
You feel unseen.
You feel unimportant.
You feel jealous.
You feel angry.
Whatever it is… Something lands.
And almost immediately, we can look outside of ourselves and say:
“Look what they did.”
They made me feel this way.
They shouldn't have said that.
They shouldn't have behaved that way.
If they hadn't done that, I wouldn't be feeling like this.
And that's where we can very subtly hand our power away.
We may never actually say to ourselves:
“It’s all their fault.”
But that can be the underlying energy.
Because underneath it can be:
They've done something wrong because they're not awake enough.
They're not spiritual enough.
They don't understand what I understand.
I know more.
I know better.
And if only they would change, I would feel differently.
My life would be better.
If only they could see this thing that I can see in them, then I wouldn't be hurt.
I wouldn't be contracted.
I wouldn't feel bad.
I wouldn't feel isolated.
I wouldn't feel jealous.
I wouldn't feel any of those things.
And here's where it gets really interesting. Because on one level...
You might actually be right.
They may very much be living from unconscious patterns.
They may not be aware of the beliefs they carry and how those beliefs shape the reality they're experiencing.
They may not be sensitive enough to understand how their behavior impacts somebody around them.
They may genuinely have things that they need to look at.
They may genuinely have their own work to do.
And none of that changes the part that belongs to you.
Because their behavior may be the circumstance.
It may even be the catalyst.
But it doesn't have to become the owner of your internal experience.
And sometimes…
they really did behave badly.
They really were insensitive.
They really did say something hurtful.
They really did make a choice that affected you.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about what happens next.
Because the moment we make their behavior the explanation for why we are now feeling the way we're feeling…
we've handed them the keys to our internal experience.
And yet… none of that changes the part that belongs to you.
Because you are the one who is in charge of you.
You are the one who gets to decide how you respond.
You are the one who gets to become aware of what happens inside of you.
You are the one who gets to decide what you do with what you feel.
And this is where I want to make an important distinction.
I'm not saying that another’s behavior doesn't matter.
I'm not saying that people don't hurt us or that their actions don't have consequences.
I'm not saying that somebody else's actions are okay because we've found some spiritual lesson in them.
I'm not saying that you should stay in a relationship that is harmful.. “Oh, this person is just showing me my wound.”
No.
Sometimes the thing you get to learn is:
I need to leave.
Sometimes the new choice is a boundary.
Sometimes the new choice is saying no.
Sometimes it's stopping the explaining.
Sometimes it's stopping the rescuing.
Sometimes it's realizing that this relationship doesn't work for me anymore.
And this isn't about pretending that nothing happened.
Something may absolutely have happened.
The question is:
“What am I going to do with what happened now?”
Because whatever somebody else does… Your response belongs to you.
And your response contains information.
I've talked about this in other episodes, but I want to come back to it here because it’s important.
You cannot change the reflection in the mirror.
You have to change the person who’s being reflected in the mirror.
And when we are looking at somebody else's behavior and thinking:
“Their behavior is the cause of my problem.”
We're trying to change the mirror.
We're trying to get the reflection to behave differently.
We're saying: If you would just stop doing that, then I would feel better.
If you would just understand me, then I wouldn't feel hurt.
If you would just treat me differently, then I wouldn't contract.
And perhaps they should treat you differently. That's not the point.
The point is: You cannot do their work for them.
And anything that’s making you feel contracted, heavy, upset, not enough, unworthy, unseen, jealous, rejected, powerless...
Any of those things...
They're information for you.
They're information.
They're not necessarily evidence that you're broken.
They're not necessarily evidence that you haven't awakened.
They're not necessarily evidence that the other person is a terrible person.
They're information.
So rather than immediately going outward and saying,
"Why are they doing this to me?"
What if we could pause and say:
Why do I feel this way?
What does this bring up in me?
What is this touching?
What am I being shown?
What am I being offered?
What opportunity is here for me?
And sometimes the answer is going to be something you've never seen before.
And sometimes...
It's something you've been circling for years.
Sometimes you've already worked with.
Something you've thought you'd resolved.
And suddenly this person says this thing… and there it is again.
And you think, “Oh. There you are.”
And that doesn't mean you've failed. It means you've found another layer.
Because I keep coming back to this image that I've shared before of the hot-air balloon.
We have this beautiful hot-air balloon, and we're rising.
We're moving upward.
We're expanding.
We're becoming more of who we are.
And at each layer, there can be another tether.
And we can think the tether is the person.
If they would just stop doing this...
If they would just understand...
If they would just apologize...
If they would just change...
Then I'd be able to rise.
And maybe… They're not the tether.
Maybe their behavior is showing you where the tether is.
Maybe what they're activating in you is pointing toward a wound.
A limiting belief.
An old identity.
A place where you learned that you weren't enough.
A place where you learned that you had to earn love.
A place where you learned that you had to make someone understand you in order to feel safe.
A place where you learned that somebody else's approval determined your worth.
A place where you learned that if somebody was unhappy with you, you had done something wrong.
Whatever it is. That's the tether.
And when you can see it...
Witness it.
Acknowledge it.
Feel it.
Understand it.
Transmute it.
Integrate it.
Or perhaps simply recognize: “Oh. I don't choose that anymore.”
Then something changes.
And this is where the whole thing becomes really powerful.
Because we can spend so much energy trying to change other people.
Trying to make them understand.
Trying to get them to apologize.
Trying to get them to see what they're doing.
Trying to get them to become more conscious.
Trying to explain ourselves in seventeen different ways so that finally they'll understand our perspective.
And sometimes… We're not actually trying to communicate anymore.
We're trying to control the outcome.
We're trying to make the mirror change.
And that’s exhausting.
And it is also a way of outsourcing our power.
Because we're saying:
“My freedom depends upon your behavior.”
And it doesn't.
Your freedom may require you to make a different choice.
But it doesn't require another person to become different.
And I think this is where the spiritual ego can become really sneaky.
Because sometimes the spiritual ego would rather be right than free.
Think about that.
Sometimes we would rather be right.
I know what's happening.
I understand this person.
I can see their pattern.
I know why they're doing this.
I know what they're supposed to learn.
And maybe you do.
Maybe you have incredible insight into what’s happening.
But...
Does being right about them actually set you free?
Or does it keep you energetically tied to them?
Because if I'm spending my energy thinking about how unconscious someone else is...
I'm still connected to them.
I'm still revolving around them.
I'm still giving them my energy.
I'm still making their behavior central to my experience.
And sometimes… being right is just another tether.
So the next time somebody steps on a nerve...
And they will.
Because we're human.
We're going to be triggered.
We're going to contract.
We're going to have feelings.
The goal isn't to become so spiritually evolved that nobody ever bothers you again.
I don't actually think that's the point.
Maybe the point is to become someone who knows what to do when they are bothered.
Someone who can notice: “Oh…Something just happened.”
And instead of immediately creating the entire story about the other person...
Come back into your body.
What am I feeling?
Where am I feeling it?
Is my chest tight?
Is my belly contracted?
Am I hot?
Am I cold?
Do I want to attack?
Do I want to withdraw?
Do I want to prove myself?
Do I want to make them understand?
Do I want to disappear?
Just notice.
And then ask:
What is this touching?
What does this remind me of?
What does this make me believe about myself?
What am I afraid this means?
What am I making this person's behavior mean about me?
And then...
Perhaps the most important question:
What choice is available to me now?
Because that's where the power comes back.
Maybe the choice is to speak.
Maybe it's to set a boundary.
Maybe it's to leave.
Maybe it's to stop participating in an old dance.
Maybe it's to stop trying to convince somebody.
Maybe it's to grieve.
Maybe it's to forgive.
Maybe it's simply to recognize:
This doesn't have the power over me that it used to.
And then...
We can give the other person their journey back.
Because this is the other piece that I think is so important.
They have their work. You have yours.
They have their awareness to come into. You have yours.
They have their patterns. And you have yours.
And you may see something in them that they cannot see yet.
You may understand something about them that they haven't understood.
You may even be able to see exactly where their behavior is coming from.
But...
It is not your job to make them see it.
It is not your responsibility.
It is not your right.
And honestly...
It doesn't work that way anyway.
Because we are all on our own journeys.
We are all having our own experiences.
And when you have anchored what you need to anchor from an interaction...
When you've learned what you needed to learn...
When you've released what you needed to release...
When you've made the new choice...
You may discover that you don't even have the same relationship with that person anymore.
Or perhaps you're still around them, but they don't have the same effect on you.
The dance has changed.
And sometimes...
They'll find someone else to have the dance with.
Someone who still has that particular pattern.
Someone who still has that particular wound.
Someone who still needs to learn something through that interaction.
And that's okay. That's their journey.
It doesn't mean you failed them.
It doesn't mean you didn't love them.
It doesn't mean you didn't help them.
It simply means:
Their journey belongs to them.
And yours belongs to you.
I think about this in relationships a lot.
You might have had a pattern where you repeatedly chose relationships in which you abandoned yourself.
Maybe you overrode your own knowing.
Maybe you tolerated things that didn't actually feel good to you.
Maybe you thought that if you loved somebody enough, understood them enough, supported them enough, explained yourself enough...
You could somehow make the relationship become what you wanted it to be.
And then, at some point, you see the pattern.
And you begin to change.
You stop abandoning yourself.
You start listening to yourself.
You start setting boundaries.
You stop participating in the old dance.
And eventually...
You find yourself in a completely different kind of relationship.
And perhaps you look back and think,
“Why did I ever stay in those relationships?”
But here's the interesting thing.
The other person may not have changed.
They may have continued to carry their own patterns.
They may haveentered another relationship and repeat the same dynamic.
And that's not yours to fix.
Because you have moved beyond that dance.
That's the important part.
The transformation isn't necessarily: I finally found the person who behaves correctly.
The transformation is: I became somebody who no longer participates in what doesn't align with me.
That's very different.
And that's freedom.
And again… I'm not saying this is easy.
I didn't say it was comfortable.
I didn't say you would necessarily like it.
And some of you may be listening to me right now going,
"Joanne, no. No, no, no. This is their problem."
And maybe, in some ways, it is.
They have their own stuff to work through.
They have their own awareness to have.
They have their own lessons.
But that's not your job.
And this is where I want to bring in a phrase that I think is really important:
It's not all about me.
But my part is always mine.
Because it's not all about me.
Other people have their own lives.
Other people have their own experiences.
Other people make their own choices.
Other people can behave in ways that are genuinely harmful.
But...
My part is always mine.
My response is always mine.
My boundary is mine.
My choice is mine.
My healing is mine.
My energy is mine.
And when I can reclaim that...
I don't have to spend all of this energy trying to make somebody else change.
I don't have to convince them that they're wrong.
I don't have to make them understand what I understand.
I don't have to make them have the realization that I’ve had.
I can simply choose.
And I can send love.
I can send healing light.
And I can wish them well.
I can hold compassion for where they are.
And I can still say: No.
I can say: This isn't for me anymore.
I can say: I'm not participating in this dance.
And that is not a failure of spirituality.
That can be the embodiment of it.
Because perhaps awakening isn't about becoming someone who’s never triggered.
Perhaps awakening is becoming someone who can be triggered...
And still remain present enough to hear what the experience is offering.
To feel what’s happening in the body.
To recognize the tether.
To make a new choice.
And then...
To let the other person be who they are.
Because the person who’s standing on your last nerve may actually be showing you exactly where your next piece of freedom is waiting.
And how extraordinary is that?
Not easy. Not comfortable. But extraordinary.
Because every time we stop asking,
“How do I get them to change?"
and start asking,
"What am I being invited to see, choose, release, or become?”
we bring our energy home.
We stop trying to change the reflection in the mirror.
We change the person standing in front of it.
And maybe...
That's another tether released.
Another layer.
Another little bit of the balloon rising.
And another piece of our freedom coming home to us.
If you've found this episode supportive, or perhaps it gave you an insight, I'd love to hear about it in the comments. And please like, share it with someone who might benefit, it really does help in getting these messages out to those who need them.
Thanks for being here and I look forward to being with you again next week on Embodied Soul.
