Episode 77
What if you're not actually procrastinating?
What if there's a reason you keep saying you want to do something…
and then don't?
Maybe there's something you've been meaning to start.
Something you've been wanting to change.
Something you've been thinking about for months — maybe even years.
And you keep telling yourself:
“I really want to do this.”
“I just need to get myself organized.”
“I'll do it next week.”
And then next week comes and somehow, you don't.
I've been sitting with this question myself:
Why am I not making some of the changes I say I want to make?
And it's an interesting question because when I came home from Canada, I had a whole list of things I wanted to change.
I had ideas.
I had clarity.
I had… I felt very clear about some of them.
And then I came home…
and didn't do most of them.
And that made me curious.
Because what if the fact that we're not taking action isn't necessarily the problem?
What if it's information?
And what if we got curious about what it's trying to tell us?
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So if you want to join me in this exploration, I invite you to pull up a comfy chair, invite in your Soul and be open to receive exactly what you need to live, be and thrive as the embodied soul you are.
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One of the first things I discovered for myself was something I found almost funny.
I've always said that I'm not somebody who likes routine.
If you asked me:
“Do you have a routine?”
I would probably say no.
I don't like the idea of having to get up at a certain time, do a meditation at a certain time, work out at a certain time, follow a prescribed regimen.
When I left the corporate world, one of the things I decided was that I never wanted to sleep with an alarm on again.
I like slow mornings.
I like having a coffee.
I like being able to have a beautiful conversation with my husband.
I like loving on the cats.
And then I move into my work.
There isn't a rigid structure.
And yet…
what I realized was:
I had a non-routine routine.
I had created a flow.
And it was a beautiful flow.
It worked.
It was comfortable.
It supported me.
It allowed me to do the things that I had chosen to do.
I had scheduled my week around clients, around what made sense for other people, around hours that worked for people in different parts of the world.
I had left space between things in case something went longer.
I had created this very functional, very flexible-looking life.
And yet, when I started trying to add something new into it, I discovered that there wasn't actually much space.
The calendar looked flexible.
But the flow wasn't.
And I think that's an important distinction.
Sometimes we don't have a routine that we recognize as a routine.
We have a pattern.
We have a way that our days move.
We have a way that our environment is arranged.
We have a way that we move from one thing to the next.
And because it feels natural, we don't necessarily recognize it as something that’s organizing our behavior.
It's just how we live.
And what I realized was that the things I wanted to add didn't have anywhere to land.
---
So I started asking:
What would actually have to change in my life to create space for the things I'm saying I want?
And that became a different question.
Because instead of asking: “Why can't I make myself do this?”
I was asking: “What have I already organized my life around?”
And: “Is that organization still serving who I am now?”
Because that's another piece of this.
Who we were a few years ago isn't necessarily who we are now.
Who we were a few months ago isn't necessarily who we are now.
Sometimes even who we were when we went to sleep last night isn't exactly who we are when we wake up. We're constantly changing.
And sometimes the structures we created for ourselves were absolutely appropriate for who we were when we created them.
They supported us.
They made sense.
They gave us stability.
They reduced the mental load.
They helped us function.
And that's not bad.
But something can have been supportive… and still no longer be alive.
Something can still work… and no longer be where you're going.
And I think that's an important distinction.
We don't have to decide that something was wrong simply because we're ready to change it.
---
So I began looking at my life differently.
Where is my energy going?
What things are still lighting me up?
What things feel alive?
What things feel neutral?
What things feel draining?
What things feel contracting?
What things am I doing simply because I've always done them?
What things am I prioritizing because they are convenient for somebody else?
Where am I accommodating?
Where am I people-pleasing?
Where am I telling myself:
“Well, I can't change that because it might inconvenience somebody else.”
Where am I assuming that something has to remain exactly the way it is?
And what would happen if I gave myself permission to experiment?
Not necessarily to make a permanent change.
Just: What if I tried it differently?
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And there was another thing I noticed.
Sometimes we make the change itself much bigger than it needs to be.
This happened for me with exercise.
I thought: Okay, I'm going to add this one little bit of strength training.
And then almost immediately another part of me said: “Well, if you're going to do that, you really need to do this too.
And this.
And this.
And if you're going to do all of that, you need to set aside at least a half a day…”
And suddenly the little thing I wanted to add had become this giant project.
And I think we do this sometimes.
We take the one thing we know we want to do and we build an entire architecture around it.
And then we don't do any of it.
So one of the questions I've started asking myself is:
“Am I making the next step bigger than it actually needs to be?”
What if one thing is enough?
What if one thing is sufficient?
What if I simply add that one thing into the day…and allow it to become part of a new flow?
I don't have to change everything.
I don't have to reinvent my life.
I don't have to become a completely different person by Tuesday.
Maybe I just change one thing.
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And then there was what I call the Productivity Committee. Those of you who’ve been around me a while have already heard an episode involving them.
You know this one.
The committee that says:
“Well, of course you can do the thing you really want to do.
But first…
you need to answer those emails.
And then you need to finish that project.
And then you need to take care of this.
And then you need to respond to that.
And then you really should get this other thing done…”
And suddenly the thing that lights you up is the last thing on the list.
And sometimes that is absolutely necessary.
We have responsibilities.
We have families.
We have jobs.
We have commitments.
I'm not saying that we simply abandon everything else and do whatever we feel like doing.
But sometimes we need to ask ourselves: “Is this truly a requirement?”
Or is this simply the order I've gotten used to doing things in?
Because there’s a difference.
And sometimes the thing we're calling “responsibility” is actually a very comfortable way of avoiding something that feels uncertain.
---
And then something else happened to me.
I came home from Canada. And all of the things that filled my days before I left… were still there when I came back. Surprise!
I had experienced myself differently while I was away.
My days had a different flow.
I had different space.
I had different possibilities.
And then I came home… and stepped right back into the same environment.
And it was almost like falling back into a rut in the road.
If you've ever driven on a gravel road or a dirt road, you know what I mean.
The tires go over the same path again and again. And eventually those tire tracks dig into the road.
And once you're in the groove, you tend to follow it.
You don't have to consciously decide to.
The groove is already there.
And I started to realize that this happens energetically too.
It happens behaviorally.
It happens in our homes.
It happens in our workspaces.
It happens in ways we move through our days.
The space itself can reinforce the pattern.
And that was a real eye-opener for me because I love my space.
I love my home.
I love the flow.
And yet… that flow was also making it harder for me to create a different flow.
It was really easy to come home and simply fall back into the groove.
So I started changing the environment.
I cleaned.
I washed floors.
I cleaned windows.
I shifted things around.
I rearranged some spaces.
And I wasn't doing that because I thought that moving furniture was going to magically transform my life.
It was more intentional than that.
I was saying:
I'm creating space for something different.
I'm interrupting the established pattern.
I'm opening the space.
I'm allowing something new to have somewhere to land.
And what was interesting was that after I did that, some of the things that I had been trying to implement actually became easier.
And that was when I realized:
Oh. There are layers to this.
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Because once some of the environmental pieces shifted, I got to the deeper layer.
And that was where I began having conversations with the different aspects of myself.
The inner children.
The inner parts.
The smaller self.
The parts of me that didn't necessarily want the change.
And this is something I've talked about before, and I’ll probably continue to talk about:
None of these parts are bad.
These are often the brave parts of us.
These are the parts that came forward when we were unable to keep ourselves safe.
They protected us from something.
A circumstance.
A situation.
An emotion.
A loss.
A fear.
Something we couldn't handle at that time.
And they did what they knew how to do. They protected us.
And sometimes they have been doing that job for years.
Decades.
A lifetime.
And they love you.
They love you so much that they have continued doing the job without ever stopping to ask:
Do we still need this?
And this is the part that really touched me.
Because these parts sometimes never looked up.
They never looked around and said:
“Wow. She's different now.
He's different now.
We're different now.
We're actually capable of handling this.”
They’re still protecting the version of you who needed protection.
And so when you come along and say:
“I want to change this.”
They may say: “No.”
Not because they're bad.
Not because they're trying to sabotage you.
But because from their perspective, they’re doing their job.
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So sometimes the work isn't to force the change.
Sometimes the work is to sit with that part.
And say:
“Why don't you want this?”
“What are you afraid will happen?”
“What are you protecting me from?”
And perhaps even:
“Do you know who I am now?”
Because sometimes what comes up is fear of loss.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of not being liked.
Fear of being seen.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of not fitting in.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of being made fun of.
Fear of being disowned.
Fear of succeeding.
Fear of failing.
Fear that if you change, someone else will have to change too.
Fear that if you become more visible, you won't be able to hide anymore.
Fear that if you actually get what you say you want, your life will have to become different.
And sometimes there is something else.
Sometimes we don't want to let go of an old dream.
An old vision.
An old idea of how your life was supposed to unfold.
And that can be very tender.
Because we may be trying to move toward something new while still holding tightly to what we thought the old future was going to be.
And perhaps the question isn't:
“Why can't I make myself let go?”
Perhaps the question is:
“Is this something still aligned with who I'm becoming?”
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And this is where last week's question comes back in.
What do I know that I don't want to know?
Because sometimes hidden inside the procrastination…
inside the excuses…
inside the contraction…
inside the resistance…
is a knowing.
Sometimes it's:
“I actually don't want this anymore.”
Sometimes it's:
“I want the outcome, but I don't want what I think I have to give up to get there.”
Sometimes it's:
“I've been trying to force myself toward something because I thought I should want it.”
Sometimes it's:
“I'm afraid of what happens if I actually do this.”
And sometimes it's:
“I do want this. I just haven't created the space for it.”
Those are very different things.
And that's why I don't think we can simply label all inaction as resistance.
Not taking action is information.
It isn't necessarily the problem.
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So if you're sitting with something right now that you say you want to change, I'd invite you to start getting curious.
Maybe there’s something you've been postponing.
Something you've been saying:
“I really want to do this.”
And then somehow another week passes…another, and another.
Maybe you've made the plan.
Maybe you've even put it on your calendar.
Maybe you've told people you're going to do it.
And yet… you haven't.
Rather than immediately judging yourself, ask:
What's happening here?
What am I repeatedly avoiding?
What am I postponing?
What excuses keep appearing?
What seems to always come up right when I'm about to take the step?
And then ask:
What happens if I actually do it?
Not just: “What happens if I don't?”
What happens if I do?
Because sometimes that question will reveal something you couldn't see before.
And then: What does staying where I am give me?
What does the current situation provide?
Safety?
Predictability?
Belonging?
Comfort?
Certainty?
An identity I know how to inhabit?
Protection from being seen?
Protection from failure?
Protection from success?
Protection from grief?
Protection from having to choose?
And then perhaps:
What part of me believes that I need that protection?
That's where you can begin the conversation.
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And I want to emphasize something here.
You don't have to get all the answers at once.
I didn't.
I had insight after insight after insight.
And some things became very easy to implement.
Other things didn't.
And that became information too.
Because if I understood something intellectually, and I knew what the logical next step was, and I still couldn't take that step…
instead of saying:
“What's wrong with me?”
I could say: “Okay. There's another layer here.”
And that was incredibly helpful.
Because sometimes the next step is action.
And sometimes the next step is more inquiry.
If the answer becomes clear and you can take the step, take it.
If you can't take the step, don't beat yourself up.
Get curious again.
There's another thread.
There's another tether.
There's something else that wants to be seen.
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I think of it almost like a hot-air balloon.
Sometimes we think:
“I'm ready to rise. Why am I still on the ground?”
And we look up and think we should already be floating.
But there may be several ropes holding us down.
And perhaps you've released one.
And then you discover another.
And another.
And another.
That doesn't mean you're failing.
It means you're discovering the tethers.
Maybe one is an old belief.
Maybe one is fear.
Maybe one is your environment.
Maybe one is an old commitment.
Maybe one is people-pleasing.
Maybe one is an old identity.
Maybe one is an inner part that is still protecting you.
Maybe one is a dream that you haven't realized you've outgrown.
And you don't necessarily have to rip away every rop at once.
You notice one.
You get curious about it.
You understand what it's doing.
And then you decide what the next step is.
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And I think this is also why I have to encourage gentleness here.
Because there’s another part that can become a tether.
The part that says:
“I'm behind.”
“I should have done this already.”
“Why can't I get it together?”
“I'm doing it wrong.”
“Everybody else seems to be moving forward.”
“I'm not enough.”
And when that voice comes in, it's very easy to believe that being harder on ourselves will finally get us moving.
But most often, it doesn't.
Often it's simply another version of the old energy.
It just adds another layer of pressure to something we're already trying to understand.
And that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm not talking about being careless.
I'm not talking about ignoring responsibilities.
I'm not talking about throwing discernment out the window.
We still have choice.
We still have discernment.
We still get to consider consequences.
We still get to make conscious decisions.
But we can do that without abandoning ourselves.
We can be curious.
We can experiment.
We can say:
“Let's see what happens if I try this.”
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And perhaps the most practical place to begin is actually outside of yourself.
Look around your environment.
What could you shift?
Clean something.
Move something.
Clear something.
Rearrange something.
Change where you work.
Change the order of your morning.
Change one day in your calendar.
Look at where your time is actually going.
Look at where your energy is actually going.
What are you doing automatically?
What have you organized your life around?
What no longer feels alive?
What is still working but no longer feels aligned?
Where are you prioritizing someone else's convenience?
Where are you waiting until everything else is finished before you give yourself permission to do what matters to you?
And ask: What is one thing I can change?
Not everything.
One thing.
What’s one thing I can add?
What’s one thing I can remove?
What’s one thing I can rearrange?
One thing I can prioritize?
Because sometimes that's enough to create the first opening.
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And if you make that shift and nothing changes… that's okay too.
That's information.
Then you go deeper.
What am I afraid of?
What am I protecting?
What would happen if I actually did this?
What would happen if I succeeded?
What would happen if I were seen?
What would happen if I changed?
What would I have to let go of?
What old version of myself might I have to release?
Is this thing I say I want still what I want?
Or am I trying to carry an old dream into a new version of my life?
And then:
What do I know that I don't want to know?
Let yourself be shown.
And when something comes forward, you don't have to immediately act on it.
Sometimes the next action is simply:
“I see it.”
Sometimes the next action is:
“I'm willing to sit with it.”
Sometimes it's:
“I'm ready to have the conversation with this part of myself.”
And sometimes it's:
“Okay. I know what I need to do. I'm going to do it.”
---
For me, this has been a very real process.
It wasn't one realization.
It wasn't one magical moment where suddenly everything changed.
It was layers.
I had to notice the flow of my days.
I had to notice the environment.
I had to notice what I was prioritizing.
I had to notice how easily I could fall back into the familiar pattern.
I had to notice when I was making something too complicated.
I had to notice the Productivity Committee.
And then I had to go deeper and meet the parts of me that were afraid of what the change might mean.
And I'm still moving through some of it.
That's okay.
Because I don't think this is about arriving at some place where we never resist again.
I think it's about becoming increasingly conscious of why we're doing what we're doing.
Becoming the scientist in our own lives.
The explorer of our own reality.
Being willing to ask:
“Interesting. Why did I just do that?”
“Interesting. Why didn't I do that?”
“Interesting. Why did that suddenly become impossible?”
“Interesting. Why did I make that so complicated?”
“Interesting. What part of me just got very uncomfortable?”
Not with judgment.
With curiosity.
Because when we can become curious about ourselves, we create room for something new.
And that's where I think we're being called right now.
To create space.
To allow ourselves to evolve.
To recognize that we aren't who we've been.
And we don't have to force ourselves to become somebody completely different.
We simply have to become honest enough to notice where we're already being pulled.
What lights us up.
What enlivens us.
What expands us.
What keeps calling.
And then listen for the next true step.
Maybe the answer is practical.
Maybe something needs to be reorganized.
Maybe something needs to be released.
Maybe there's a protective part that needs reassurance.
Maybe you need more information.
Maybe the dream itself needs to change.
Maybe you're ready.
And maybe the next step is much smaller than you thought.
Whatever comes forward, trust yourself enough to listen.
And be willing to let the answer be different from what you expected.
Because that's part of navigating something new.
There isn't always a map.
Sometimes we’re learning the path by taking the next step.
And sometimes the next step isn't action at all.
Sometimes it's awareness.
Sometimes it's a conversation.
Sometimes it's making space.
Sometimes it's letting go.
And sometimes it's simply saying:
“I see you. I hear you. I understand why you've been protecting me.
And I want you to know that I'm here now.
I'm different now.
We're safe enough to explore something new.”
And when those parts of us can finally see who we are now…
sometimes they don't need to hold us back anymore.
Sometimes they want to come with us.
They want to reintegrate.
They want to support us.
They want to participate in this next version of our lives.
And that, to me, is beautiful.
Because we're not fighting ourselves into change.
We're inviting ourselves into it.
So if there is something you've been wanting to change…
something you've been saying you want to do…
and you haven't been doing it…
perhaps don't make yourself do it.
Get curious instead
Find the thread.
Notice what it's connected to.
And ask yourself:
What is my next true step?
Is it action?
Or is it more inquiry?
You don't have to know everything.
You don't have to release every tether today.
You don't have to transform your entire life this week.
Just notice.
Get curious.
Find the next thread.
And take the next true step.
I'm sending you so much love for the week ahead.
And if something in this conversation has supported you, I would love to hear about it in the comments.
What is something you've been saying you want to change…
and what are you discovering underneath the fact that you haven't changed it yet?
And if you know someone who may be moving through this same kind of inquiry, feel free to share this episode with them.
I'm sending you so much love for the week ahead.
And I look forward to being with you again next week on Embodied Soul.
